I am still trying to assimilate the experience. Esalen - with all the delicious food you can eat, most grown on the property, soaking in natural hot springs baths for hours every day, like minded people, classes, seminars and workshops in everything from dancing, yoga and meditation to the apes in Borneo.
It is a magic place. The acres of grass, flowers, fruits and vegetables that stretch out as far as you can see. The buildings that blend into the hillsides. The restful, somehow spiritual atmosphere, the kind and gentle people, the positive vibes, the sounds of the crashing waves from almost anywhere you stand, the feeling of peace and serenity.
I am here for a class called A Painting Experience.
The first night there was not much instruction except how to work with the materials. The paint brushes, the paint and the paper, which was the extent of the materials. And, what I think was the most important of instructions, no one could comment on any ones painting. No innocent good job's or I like that's. Nothing. No acknowledgements or comments what so ever.
It was a little scary. There was almost palpable discomfort and fear in the room. A lot of snickers. I had no expectations. I have been working for a long time in my life to have no expectations, or at least to try to keep them to a minimum, to stay loose and give up control. Not being an artist I think I had a little of an advantage at the beginning. Some in the room had been artists for 30 years. I would think that would carry some expectations.
I swirled a big loose vertical red S shape on the paper. I don't know why. Then a yellow horizontal line. Not sure why there either.
There were a few accidental drips so I painted vertical lines with them and blindly continued that line theme. After about 1/2 hour of some more lines, some more drips and some more colors I added an eye because it looked like a bird. I kind of felt finished. One of the instructors talked with me awhile and I decided to add purple. I left the class that first night with my first painting hanging on the wall in the studio. I took with me positive feelings and a sense of accomplishment as I climbed the hill in the dark to my bed.
On day 2 I started painting again with red. We were to stand before the blank white paper and wait until a color or form called to us. I did a lot of standing, staring and painting with purple. I don't even like the color purple. This second lesson in my process became hands reaching up to the sky even though it started out as dressed up ladies shopping. This morning I felt a little more expectations on myself. After all this is the second class. I was feeling happy about it up to adding the little hands that reminded me of dancing fish. Then, not so much. They just didn't 'fit'. They made me uncomfortable. I added what turned out to be hell fire with a black bottomless pit below. In the end there was the orange and red fiery hell but there were also vines and flowers up above connecting all the reaching hands.
So throughout the week pretty lady faces turned into wiggling, slimy snake hair and dancing men in fancy, colorful skirts became chained up with vines and eyes tattooed on their backs. The feelings ran the gamete between feeling a failure to "getting it" to not giving a damn. From thinking every ones paintings were better to wondering what in the world was that person thinking.
The nights brought many dreams, vivid and real. The days brought excessive energy or debilitating exhaustion.
Now that I have been back for a couple of days I continue to feel these extremes of emotion and energy.
I know I want to continue this process, where ever it takes me.
